Life after a Christian divorce

You went through a very difficult time when your marriage ended. How did that impact you?

It really had a detrimental impact, even before the marriage ended. I’m a Christian and I believe in marriage, but realised I was in an unsafe situation and that it really wasn’t God’s best for me. So I struggled a lot with that concept of being a Christian, being a woman and knowing that I was not safe. I remember speaking to some church people, even the church leader, and they were like: “Oh, you’ve not got enough faith, you need to pray harder.” It was putting everything on me when it was actually this guy who was a wolf in sheep’s clothing, and there’s not much you can do about that kind of person. It is only God that can change their heart.

My identity really changed and I think it hit me when I went back to London - because I moved away by that point. I was sitting with one of my friends I used to work with, and she was like: “Steph, you’ve changed, you’re not the same person you were, you’ve become less than who you were.” That’s when you know that your identity has completely transformed and you’re not who you were before the marriage. I had ended up walking on eggshells and become a lot more conscious, a lot more aware, a lot more trying to avoid situations avoid conflicts – just more anxious, really.

I don’t know what’s going on, because you’re not telling me anything, but I can see and God is saying: ‘This is not what I have for you’…

STEPH GUTMANN

So rather than you being a different person in marriage because you had flourished, you’d actually almost kind of gone in on yourself because you’re living in such a fearful situation?

Yeah, and that challenges your relationship with God, because obviously I’ve got a lot of faith in the fact that God orders my steps, so trusted him to bring a marriage partner. I submitted to and asked him to direct my steps. It really did challenge who I was as a Christian woman and it challenged me in terms of seeing myself as a child of God, because I thought if I do end up going through a divorce then God can never use me and I’m going to be a complete waste because I’ve got no purpose anymore. Obviously, the enemy gets in and plays on your mind and on insecurities and these fears to keep you in that negative situation; he doesn’t want us to flourish, to find our purpose in the kingdom and he definitely doesn’t want us stepping out for God.